This is In

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"Tarnation . . . Ornette Coleman," I read from Mr. Eisenlohr's profile. "Tarnation"- the documentary is staggering in scope, depth and the first to utilize the modern media available to youth to tell a profound story with little answers and a lot of questions. And the word tarnation, itself, is pretty cool, too. The only documentary that blew me away like "Tarnation" was "Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan Supermasochist." Never would I willingly view a nail driven straight through someone's cock into a piece of plywood. That one time I did, because he deserved my respect and admiration; he would have wanted me to experience it in 32mm and hold it and feel it and deal with the experience. "How did you experience it?" he might have asked, tied up by his balls, happy, a knowing smile on his face.

Sick Body Meta Tarnation

"Here is where my blood becomes bigger then me." - Lidia Yuknavitch from "Her Other Mouths" That's from memory. The only time I met her, she was reading at Powell's on Hawthorne and it was an alright short story about a city, inspired by something that happened at OMSI when it was still up by the Zoo; she didn't feel comfortable reading aloud, all that much. I told her that the line was very important to me and she said it was important to her, too. My hand that was propping up my arm that was propping up me, slipped. I was very nervous and awkward. She seemed to understand as I hurried away. "Here is where my blood gets bigger then me" is a line of pure poetry. I don't remember lines that often, and I don't know why. I remember one time in college, a professor was astounded that I couldn't recite one of Shakespeare's sonnets, because of my performing poetry whenever I could around campus and around town. I worked hard to memorize the sonnet, one of the faggish ones, but I couldn't. The other two quotes that will remain unforgotten are: "Wyndham Lewis chose blindness/rather than have his mind stop" (Ezra Pound) and "If the doors of perception were cleansed, then the world would appear to man as it is, infinite" (William Blake). There's a few more, besides all the aphorisms of my father's father, but that's heady company, all the same. Though I'm not important, just another poet in sheep's clothing, so it really doesn't mean much.

Here is where my blood gets bigger then me.

That's why I listen to when I'm writing, when I can. To be hip and learn to be someone, even though my age belies my ability to be hip and even when that was an age of mine, I rebelled against hipness. Part of it, though, was trying to hide my shyness, as though it was weakness or a fault. "Love your faults" is another quote that I remember at the moment. My dear-friend Joyce, we were still lovers at the time, wrote in lipstick on my car window, "(heart) your faults."

It's almost 9pm. Almost time to call my baby.


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